Alone, or was I?

” Come visit me, I have something for you”, my mom said on the phone. At that point in time I was renting a room somewhere and I was penniless and hungry. So I hopped on my bike and went over to the house I had lived in most of my life. My mom was behind the kitchen window and wouldn’t let me in. The kitchen window was right next to the front door. “Mom are you going to open the door for me?” I asked. She said, “no the door won’t open, come around the back”. A little puzzled I walked around the house to the garden, made my way through the bushes and arrived at the back door. Mom wouldn’t let me in. She said, no go back to the front door, there is something there for you. “But mom, what is going on?”. No answer. So back I went and found her behind the kitchen window again. Sure enough, there was a plastic bag hanging from the handle bar on my bike. It had some food in it. I looked at her again and asked her why I couldn’t come in to hug her. She said” show me your ID”. I stood there for a minute, completely baffled. My mom, who had given me life, raised me, with whom I shared so many memories and who had known me for all of my  life, actually asked me for my ID. I felt blood pulling out of my head and my whole body was tingling from disbelief, anger and a feeling of living in an alternate reality. “What in the world?” She was adamant: “show me your ID!”. So I did. “OK, you may go. Bye now”. And away she went, out of my sight, leaving me no option but to go home. Odd word in this context. Home. She was my home, that house I was standing in front of had been my home for many years. Not any longer. I felt alone.

This is just one example of what can happen to a person who (I later found out) suffers from cancer in their brain and because of that had developed a paranoid disorder. In her case it was called Paranoid Psychosis. From that moment on things went downhill very very rapidly. She had a very aggressive form of cancer that raged throughout her body. The doctors were rather surprised about the fierceness of it. How we got her to the hospital is a whole other story and I think I will share that with you too in another post. She died in the hospital when I was 23 and my sister was 14. My dad had died 5 months before that of a heart attack on my birthday. Hello Ice Age, hello shock, hello survival mode and yet Dear Heavenly Father help me please. I can’t do it without you. I trust you will guide us through this. And He did.

Yes, I felt alone and rejected at the time, but I knew something wasn’t right and that there had to be some explanation to this weirdness. My mom had been a loving, wonderful, sweet tigress for her children. (I have a younger sister). So this didn’t add up. I had something to fall back on though. My mom taught me on many, many occasions that love is the essence of life. She would recite 1 Cor. 13 often. Jesus is the ultimate expression of God’s love for us. Love wins from hate. Love is patient, love is kind, long suffering..you know the verse. She instilled the concept in me, which helps me still to this day to be patient and kind and helps me to try and understand people before getting angry, upset or prideful. Am I scared sometimes when life throws you another curve ball..sure. But now for long. I pray, I fight, I rest and everything turns out the way it does and I am fine. God guides, rules and has my soul to keep and I am working on walking in His ways.

To Him the glory!

Love,

Petra

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